Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
