Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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