so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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