is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
