She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
