i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
