I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
