So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
