Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
