dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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