Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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