I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
