i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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