Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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