Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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