It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
