I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
