Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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