bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am one with the molecules
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize