I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
40s are totally the cure
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize