drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
