i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
