dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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