And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just want nice things and good sex
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
