Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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