You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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