K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
