I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
