I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
