my phone needs a breathalizer
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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