Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
