Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
