I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize