My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
