Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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