Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
