Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
