He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
