my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
