Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
