I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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