Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
