Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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