I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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