you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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