i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
