I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
