WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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