If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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