Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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