Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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