I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
