I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize