Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
