i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
