cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize