i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
its liver damage thursday
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
