remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
