everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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