I'm so fucking centered right now
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
